


Deadly Exchanges

by ChokolatteJedi



Category: Eureka
Genre: Banter, Gen, Holidays, Secret Santa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-01
Updated: 2012-01-01
Packaged: 2017-10-28 16:28:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/309792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChokolatteJedi/pseuds/ChokolatteJedi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Secret Santa, Eureka style! :D</p>
            </blockquote>





	Deadly Exchanges

**Author's Note:**

  * For [elynross](https://archiveofourown.org/users/elynross/gifts).



> So I intended to make this a madness fic for you, but it just kept growing and refused to be done in time, so you get it now instead!
> 
> Nathan and Jack didn't want to cooperate in a slashing/slash goggles capacity, but I hope you like it anyway. :D

Nathan swiveled around in his chair and barely refrained from starting at the sight of the Sherriff in his office. "What are you doing here?"

Jack smiled his infuriating grin. "Well, I thought you might need me."

"Alright, see, I have two problems with that sentence. First of all, you _thought_? And second, why on earth would I need _your_ help?"

"Hah. But seriously. It's been almost a week without a Global Dynamics-based catastrophe attacking the town. And by my count" he glanced unnecessarily at his watch, "we're six hours out from the GD Secret Santa exchange deadline, so something's bound to go wrong."

"And that's why you invaded my office? Out of some inane grudge against Christmas?"

"No, I'm all for Christmas. But geeks trying to secretly outdo each other with gifts? That has disaster written all over it."

Nathan frowned, but he couldn't exactly disagree with any part of the conclusion. "I see. That's… interesting log-"

Fargo burst into his office without knocking, his glasses askew and his shirt singed. "Dr. Stark, we've got a problem."

"I knew it!" Jack crowed.

"What did you do now, Fargo?"

Fargo did a good imitation of being offended, "I didn't do anything! Someone's trying to kill _me_!"

"Really?"

"I told you." He hated how smug the Sherriff sounded.

"Shut up, Carter."

"Oh make me-"

"Alright, both of you, shut up." Jo declared, entering through the door Fargo had left open.

"Sorry, Jo," they chorused.

Satisfied, Jo turned to the younger doctor. "Now, Fargo, why do you think someone is trying to kill you _today_?"

"Because I've nearly died three times today!" Fargo sounded more upset than usual.

"So?" Nathan asked.

"So? So someone's trying to kill me!"

Jack was still grinning. "No offence, Fargo, but you nearly die on a daily basis, and it's usually your own fault."

"Hey!" There was a long pause while all three stared at Fargo, and finally he buckled. "Okay, but this time I didn't do anything!"

"Okay, fine. Who is trying to kill you?"

"Dr. Jansen."

"Dr. Jansen the mathematician?" Nathan confirmed.

Jack snapped his fingers in that annoying memory trigger way that he did. "Oh, the guy with the game wining theory computer programs?"

"Game theory, as applied to global economics," Nathan clarified.

Jack was undeterred by his correction. "Yeah, but he's also the one who made the Secret Santa program, right? Because he said his computer would make, uh, optimal matches?"

"In the most simplistic terms possible, yes." Nathan admitted, hating to give the sheriff even that much credit.

Unfortunately, he was correct, and Jack crowed again. "I knew it! I knew that Secret Santa Exchange was going to cause problems!"

"There's no way you could possibly know that, Carter." He insisted.

"Actually…" Fargo raised one hand tentatively.

Nathan resisted the urge to smack his forehead, "don't tell me."

"The Secret Santa program is the one trying to kill me."

"Ha!" Jack burst out.

"What?" Jo frowned.

Nathan again struggled to maintain his composure. "How could you have possibly come to that conclusion?"

"This morning, I find a present on my desk, and it says 'To Fargo, From Santa,' so I started to open it."

"Of course." Jack smirked.

"Hey, it was a present addressed to me! In my office! Why wouldn't I open it?" Fargo protested.

"Moving on…" Jo prompted.

Fargo took a moment to relish the attention before continuing. "Well, I was opening it, and then Taggart came in and distracted me, and we started arguing, and we took it out to the hall, and the next thing I know, my desk is a giant charred lump!"

"And this is different than any other day, how?" Nathan couldn't resist the dig.

The hint of a smile fled from Fargo's face. "Hey! I didn't do it! There was nothing on my desk except a little paperwork and my present! The present just went boom!"

"Okay, well that means that we can rule out some people as your Secret Santa." Jack was still smirking. "I'm sure there are at least a few people who _don't_ want you dead."

"That's not fair!" Fargo whined.

Nathan hid a smirk of his own. "Well, Fargo, there are days when even _I_ wouldn't mind blowing up your desk."

"This is so unfair."

Jack snapped his fingers once. "Wait, why do you think it’s the computer?"

"Because that wasn't the only incident!" Fargo slipped back into outraged mode.

Nathan sighed. "Do tell."

"Someone put a poisonous flower in my coffee cup while I was gone, and I got another wrapped up present that burst into flames when I shook it!"

"I'm still not seeing how this is different from any other day." Nathan made as if to turn back to his computer.

Fargo took a deep calming breath. "Notice how I manfully ignore the great number of insults that I've received from you two today, because there is something more important at stake. Like the fact that I got three different deadly presents today, all with tags from different Secret Santas."

"Okay…"

"That computer gave my name to someone – three different someones – who are trying to kill me!"

"That's impossible," Jo said. "Each name was only put into the system one time. The lists were double checked. Your name couldn't go to three different people!"

"Wh- well exactly! Hence the theory that the computer is trying to kill me!" Fargo blustered.

"No, she's got a point," Carter frowned. "Why would the computer randomly decide to hate you?" Fargo opened his mouth, but the sheriff cut him off. "I mean, humans, sure, but have you ticked off any computers recently?"

"Computers love me!" Fargo replied. "Except this one!"

"So it must have a reason…" Jack prompted.

"Like sabotage," Nathan interjected.

"Like- yeah, like sabotage!" Fargo looked pleased, confirming his suspicion.

"So how many times did you place your name on the list when you hacked in?" Nathan continued.

"What?" Fargo gaped.

"I knew it," Jack began to crow again.

"I- I didn't-"

"Fargo!" Jack yelled.

"Four times!" He covered his head with his hands. "I added my name in four times."

"You wanted five presents?" Jo asked.

"Are you really surprised?" Jack snarked.

"But I'm betting you didn't put yourself on the giving list five times," Nathan presumed.

Jack's expression switched from smug and annoyed to seriously upset. "You were going to just leave those other four people giftless?" He demanded.

"I- I-"

"I say we let the computer have him." Jo immediately stated.

"The computer obviously detected an error when it found more people on the receiving list than on the giving list. When it discovered that one name was repeated, it must have made adjustments accordingly." Nathan said logically.

"So instead of calibrating Fargo's best match, it found his worst enemies?" Jack asked.

"Probably."

Jack began counting on his fingers, "So, we're looking at Larry, Seth Osborne, Nurse Chambers…"

"Hey!"

"Me," Nathan added.

"Jo, Sometimes me…" Jack smirked

"HEY!" Fargo yelled.

"If we could get back on target..." Jo interrupted the bickering. "I believe the point is that there are potentially five deadly packages intended for Fargo today, and only three have been delivered."

"Yes! That's exactly the point!" Fargo exclaimed.

"And once we've kept him from exploding, then we can deal with the larger issue of him hacking the system and screwing up the holiday exchange for everyone else," Jo continued.

"Hey!"

Jack nodded. "Alright, let's make a list."

"Or we could just go ask the good Dr. Jansen to show us his computer." Nathan suggested wearily.

"Right, or that." Jack agreed, looking only a little put out by his tone.

"Hey!"

"I knew it!" I knew something was going to go wrong here today. Didn’t I tell you that this morning?" Jack told Jo as they walked out of the office.

Nathan followed, more annoyed than usual. The younger scientist was going to pay for proving Jack right and ruining his whole morning. Noticing that he didn't hear feet behind him, he yelled without turning, "Fargo!"

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic]Deadly Exchanges](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2452526) by [readbyjela (jelazakazone)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jelazakazone/pseuds/readbyjela)




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